Writing a book when you have a job and a child is hard. My job comes first. It has to: I am the breadwinner and I’m lucky enough to have a job that uses words and my creativity. This is great, but it means there are no long days to sit at my desk writing. I read articles of writers’ tips and they talk about writing eight or more hours per day and it just isn’t possible when you have got to go to work. And if your job involves sitting at a laptop, typing all day, by the time you have collected your child from school and fed them and listened to them read and bathed them and read them a bedtime story and showered yourself and dried your hair and done the washing up and made sure the uniform’s all ready for the morning, the last thing you feel like doing is sitting down at a laptop and writing again. You can’t just go “oh, I’m going to be really creative between 9 and 10pm tonight” because if your brain’s done in, it won’t happen.
The other, perhaps bigger issue here is confidence. Over the years, in sporadic late night weekend sessions, I’ve got thousands of words down; more than enough to fill a book. But for a long time, I have been frightened of it. A lot of the book is about being pregnant. I know people like reading my blog posts because of the sweet things Tom says and the way it all turned out OK in the end. Tom isn’t talking when he is a foetus and I’m an angry, frightened individual, so it’s nowhere near as lovely. But it did happen and it does happen and that’s why I set out to write about it. People have read what I’ve written so far and told me it’s great, but I’m plagued by what ifs. What if it gets bad reviews? What if I end up wanting to recall every copy and rip it up? What if people say ‘big deal – women get pregnant every day?’ (Elsewhere on the web, I’ve been criticised and even though I knew not to listen to those internet troll types, I’m afraid they got me.) I dreaded people going “How’s the book?” because I didn’t know. I actually got to a point a couple of months ago when I lay in bed thinking about it and decided I’d have to stop.
But all of this is anxiety; an anxiety that festers when you’re on your own a lot. Of course, it is directly comparable to the moving situation (and very closely linked to it.) It felt safe to stay put and it felt safe to forget the book. But I needed to get brave again. What happened to the woman who was mortified when she got pregnant by a man who’d promised her it couldn’t happen then vanished when it did, the woman who had her baby and went back to university and then went back again to do an MA and then set up her own business in her bedroom then took her baby to Australia and then made a career as a writer off the back of it all? She has been sitting in her house, getting scared of things that weren’t there and letting life go stagnant. That’s not me. I have got something to write about, I’ve got a contract with an excellent publisher and I need to get it out there. When you have something to say, the words just flow. And do you know what? I hammered this post out in minutes.
I just need to get this move out of the way and then the book’s coming. And if you’re a writer and you’re scared, stop being scared. (And find the time, if you can.)
This brilliant post inspired me to write today. Back to the boxes.
Go for it – you can do it! I’ve been so looking forward to reading your book.
I’m in awe of all the things you’ve done with Tom. For me it was a great day when I plucked up the courage to take my daughter swimming, I think she must have been 2 – ridiculous (me, obviously)! Any tips for how to get over myself and venture a bit further?
You will feel so much better once you’ve moved to your new house. Moving to a nicer area has made such a difference for us. Good luck with finding a great school!
Thank you, but you’ve achieved a fair amount yourself! Getting out of the house with a baby can feel like an expedition, so I know why your swimming trip was a massive achievement. All I can say is do as much as you can with your little one in tow – even free stuff like trips to the countryside and art galleries etc. I am never happier / more confident that when I am on the road with Tom. A lot of it is to do with the fact that I had a job that involved a lot of travel and loved travelling before he came along. I thought all that would be over when my baby was born, but I managed to do it with him in tow and we have had some wonderful adventures together. Every bus or train journey is precious – from playing eye spy to doodling on the back of tickets. It’s thoughts like that that are keeping me going knowing that we’re going to have to get two trains to school every day from next week. Although in rush hour, I think we’re going to be standing up and too crammed in to be playing eye spy. Eye spy the buttock of the person in front of me. Anyway, just do as much as you can and the more you do, the more confident you’ll get. Good luck and happy 2013! It’s going to be a good year.
Fight the fear. You are a marvel and frankly yours is the only blog worth reading…I think.
Thanks, Lesley – your comment really means a lot.
For what it’s worth, I started reading your blog three years ago (? Not actually sure when, but at least then because it was the thing that got me looking for blogs) because you seemed as frustrated, frightened, and muddled as I was at the time (in a very similar situation). Yes, the cute stuff and the happy-ending type stuff was great, but what really drews me in was the honesty about the crappy bits no one likes to talk about. Because that’s real, too, and it’s always nice to know you aren’t the only one struggling, and to see what others have gained (in terms of perspective or wisdom or strength or whatever), or at least staggered away with, from those struggles. I don’t know if that makes it any less scary, but I hope it helps put in perspective why it’s still very much worth it to try and get your story out there.
Thank you so much! I have only just seen this comment and it has really given me a boost. It means so much to me that you’ve been reading from the beginning and have taken the time to comment, so thanks very much. I am getting on now and things are finally taking shape.
Emily,
Ah, nice post. Not surprised you’re knackered sounds like you’ve got your hands really full. I read an excellent book on Lucian Freud recently where he talked about the confidence to just keep going. I liked that. The confidence to keep going on a piece of writing, painting etc. I’ve been blogging since 2004, then had a few years off and am back again and to be honest it has cheered me up. Now, I’m not comparing myself to you, for a start I don’t have kids. But I’m trying to be pleased about the smallest of efforts that I make. Little acorns and all that. I get home from work, completely cabbaged, sometimes as late as 7pm, from an early start, but I make an effort to write, read, make notes etc. I think there’s something to be said for patting yourself on the back for being bloody well good! And it looks to me that you are bloody well good. So let’s hear it for you, writer, parent and all round good egg.
Wow, thanks Dan! I have only just seen your comment and it has really cheered me up. Sorry for not replying sooner. Thanks, I am patting myself on the back – and taking a break from this blog while I finish off the book. The move definitely helped me get the confidence to get back on it. Good luck with your writing, too! – Emily.
You don’t know how much I needed to read this post today. I think all of us writers are wriggled with self doubt at points and that’s OK, it’s re channelling that energy and getting it on the page that’s important. As Ricky Lake would say, “you go, girl” and as her audience might say, “ignore the haters”. Word.
Damn right finding the time is hard Emily, and I’m impressed you’re even trying to find time to write a book, and one about something so personal to you at that. I find it hard enough to find time amid family and work life to knock off the odd blog post (days like today, when I had done enough in the office by early afternoon to escape to the public library and finish off a post I had started at midnight Thursday, are rare and precious- I need to find a way of prising out a few more of them). So- keep going if you can, and I know you can- I’m inspired by your ambition and your writing, as I imagine are more people than you realise.
Thanks Jonathan, that means a lot, especially at a time when I have even less moments to devote to it than ever. I will get there in the end! Keep going with the blogging and thanks for taking the time to comment.